I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
