So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
