Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
