I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
