i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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