I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
