We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
