haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
