A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
