shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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