You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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