I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
