Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
