Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
