You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
