I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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