I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
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In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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