my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
