so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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