Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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