Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
