I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
