I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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