Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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