I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
In America we eat man semen.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
