i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
