she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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