Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
