i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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