I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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