my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Everclear isn't food dammit
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
