I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
