i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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