i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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