I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
