i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
