Can i not drive my cunt home
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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