And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
