She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
