You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
