the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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