I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
