My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
