You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
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And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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I will find, mount, and marry that person.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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