youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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