I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
