How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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