Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
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So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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