I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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