I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
