Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
