I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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