Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I wish I only lived at night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
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He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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