haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
