I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
