I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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